A Guide to the The Four Horsemen

When it comes to understanding what makes relationships succeed or fall apart, few researchers are as influential as psychologist Dr. John Gottman. Gottman is famous for a study he conducted in 1992 where he interviewed 52 heterosexual couples about the history of their relationships and was able to predict with 94% accuracy whether a couple would stay together or separate based on their communication patterns.

Gottman's research revealed that the crucial difference between lasting and failing relationships wasn't the presence of conflict, but rather how partners navigated those conflicts. The four behaviors most predictive of relationship breakdown were found to be contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling which Gottman collectively dubbed the "Four Horsemen."

In this post, we'll explore each of the Four Horsemen, discuss their antidotes, and explore how they interact with each other.

The First Horseman: Contempt

Contempt, the first and most corrosive of the Four Horsemen, involves communicating with an attitude of superiority, disgust, or disrespect toward your partner. It may show up as mocking statements, sarcasm, condescension, eye-rolling, hostile humor, or name calling.

The antidote to contempt in the short term is to get into the habit of expressing your feelings and needs as opposed to blaming your partner for their shortcomings. In the long term, the antidote is to intentionally build a culture of appreciation and respect. This means regularly expressing gratitude for the positive qualities in your partner and acknowledging their efforts.

Example of Contempt
"Oh my God, are you seriously not ready yet? This is so typical of you. How hard is it to be on time for once in your life? I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You couldn't organize your way out of a paper bag. Our friends are probably used to waiting on you by now."

Short-term Antidote: Express feelings and needs directly
"I'm feeling anxious because we're running late, and being punctual is really important to me. I feel like we disrespect our friends when we show up late and that stresses me out. Is there anything I can do to help you finish getting ready quicker?"

Long-term Antidote: Build a culture of appreciation and respect

• Regularly point out things you admire about your partner in relation to your relationship with your friends. "I love how thoughtful you are with our friends, especially the time you put into getting the perfect gifts for them."
• Express gratitude for specific actions. "Thank you for calling ahead to let them know we might be a few minutes late."
• Look for opportunities to compliment rather than criticize. "You always look so stunning when we go out, even when we're rushed."

The Second Horseman: Criticism

Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character or personality rather than addressing a specific behavior. Over time, constant criticism can chip away at a partner’s sense of self-worth and lead to defensiveness and resentment.

The antidote is to use a soft start-up, which is essentially to complain without blame. Use "I" statements and stick to the specific issue at hand and what you need without evaluating or judging.

Example of Criticism
"You never remember to take out the trash! You're so lazy and irresponsible. I can't believe I have to remind you of every little thing around here. You just don't care about keeping our home clean."

Antidote: Use a soft start up
"I noticed the trash didn't get taken out yesterday. I'm feeling frustrated because the kitchen is starting to smell. I would appreciate it if you could take it out now, and I'm wondering if there's a way we can make this easier to remember in the future."

The Third Horseman: Defensiveness

Defensiveness surfaces when one partner perceives a criticism or a complaint and automatically deflects blame. Instead of engaging with the concern at hand, a defensive partner might respond by counter-attacking, making excuses, or adopting a victim mindset. This knee-jerk reaction not only blocks productive dialogue but can also escalate tensions.

The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility, even if you were not the main culprit, and listen to your partner’s perspective. This helps de-escalate conflicts, fosters a spirit of collaboration, and paves the way for resolving the issue at hand. Note that this does not mean accepting all blame or agreeing with everything your partner says. Rather, it means recognizing that there's usually some truth in what they're saying and showing a willingness to address the issue constructively rather than defensively.

Example of Defensiveness
"What are you talking about? I do plenty around here! I took out the recycling just last week and fixed the leaky faucet. You're the one who leaves dishes in the sink all the time. Also, I've been swamped at work. You know how my boss has been piling on projects. You always exaggerate everything I don't do and never notice what I actually contribute!"

Antidote: Accept responsibility and listen
"You're right that the balance of chores has been off lately and I can see how that's frustrating for you. I have been letting some of my responsibilities slide, especially with work being busy. Let's figure out a better system that works for both of us. Maybe we can adjust who does what or create a schedule that's more realistic for this busy period."

The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one partner disengages from the conversation. They shut down, turn away, pretend to be busy, or refuse to respond instead of addressing the issue at hand. This withdrawal often stems from feeling overwhelmed, as the emotional intensity of a conflict becomes too great to handle. Stonewalling prevents discussion and resolution, and is essentially sweeping problems under the rug.

The antidote to stonewalling is to deliberately pause the conversation and practice self-soothing techniques like deep breathing or taking a short walk to regain a sense of calm. Once the overwhelmed partner feels calm, they can re-engage in a constructive way. Since this deliberate pause might be misinterpreted as further stonewalling, it helps to agree beforehand on a signal that indicates feeling overwhelmed and needing a break. Building trust in this process comes through consistently returning to the discussion after taking time to calm down.

Example of Stonewalling
Partner A brings up concerns about overspending

Partner B crosses arms, stops making eye contact, and begins scrolling through their phone

Partner A: "Can we please talk about this? Our credit card bill is really high this month."

Partner B: Sighs heavily "I don't feel like it now." Gets up and walks to another room, shutting the door.

Antidote: Self-soothing break
Partner A: "Can we please talk about this? Our credit card bill is really high this month."

Partner B: "I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by this conversation and everything we've already discussed. I need to take a break to calm down so I can think more clearly. Can we continue this discussion after dinner when I've had some time to process? I promise we'll come back to it."

Partner B takes a walk around the block, practices deep breathing, and returns at the agreed-upon time

Partner B: "Thanks for giving me that time. I'm ready to discuss our finances now. I understand you're concerned about the credit card bill, and I want to work through it with you."

How The Four Horsemen Interact

The Four Horsemen don’t operate in isolation and can feed off each other in damaging cycles. Often, a critical remark sparks defensiveness, which halts productive conversation and stirs up more negative emotions. As criticism and defensiveness continue to clash, contempt can build as one or both partners feel increasingly frustrated and begin to show outright disrespect. With contempt in play, stonewalling becomes more likely, as the first partner to get overwhelmed withdraws in an attempt to cope.

Over time, this destructive loop undermines healthy communication, creating an environment where misunderstandings and resentment flourish instead of being resolved.

Breaking out of using the Four Horsemen requires awareness, commitment, and practice. By recognizing these destructive communication patterns in your own interactions and implementing their specific antidotes, you can transform conflicts into opportunities for deeper understanding and connection.

Also, reading about the Four Horsemen is one thing, but putting that knowledge into practice especially in the heat of a real-life conversation is another challenge entirely. That’s where a tool like Talkwell can help. Talkwell, an AI-powered communication tracker and coach for couples and families, detects when the Horsemen crop up in your conversations and offers immediate, tailored coaching to help you switch to antidotes. By providing concrete, specific support, Talkwell can help bring Gottman's wisdom into every conversation.