The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model for Couples

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. The difference between relationships that thrive and those that struggle often comes down to how couples navigate disagreement. In 1974, researchers Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann developed the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) that identifies five distinct modes of conflict: competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding, and accommodating.

Though originally designed for workplace settings, this model offers powerful insights for our personal relationships. In this post, we'll explore the five styles of conflict, learn how to identify the conflict styles in your relationship, and learn tips to help transform destructive conflicts into productive ones.

Visualizing the Model

The TKI model breaks down an individual's behavior across two dimensions: assertiveness and cooperativeness. Assertiveness measures how much someone prioritizes their own needs and concerns, while cooperativeness reflects how much they focus on addressing their partner's needs.

When plotted on a 2D graph, these two dimensions create a visual framework that maps out the five conflict styles.

Competing (Assertive and Uncooperative)

The competing conflict style is all about standing one’s ground and prioritizing personal needs over cooperation. This often manifests as an "I need to win this argument" mindset, where one partner pushes their perspective. It can look like insisting on a decision, refusing to back down, or dismissing the other person's feelings in favor of getting your way.

This approach can be necessary in certain situations, such as when setting firm boundaries, advocating for personal values, or making urgent decisions where quick action is required like ensuring safety. For example, if one partner is pressuring the other into an uncomfortable situation, a competing stance helps uphold autonomy and respect.

However, overusing this mode can create resentment and emotional distance. If both partners frequently engage in a competitive stance, conflicts may escalate into power struggles rather than productive discussions. It can also make the other person feel unheard and devalued and lead to a breakdown in trust. Balancing assertiveness with consideration for your partner’s needs is key to using this style effectively.

Avoiding (Unassertive and Uncooperative)

The avoiding conflict style is characterized by sidestepping disagreements rather than addressing them directly. In relationships, this often looks like one partner saying, "I don't want to talk about it," or simply shutting down during conflicts. Avoidance can take many forms, from changing the subject to physically withdrawing or refusing to engage in difficult conversations.

While avoidance is often seen as a negative pattern, there are times when it can be helpful, especially in emotionally charged moments. Taking a step back to cool off before discussing a sensitive topic can prevent impulsive reactions and hurtful language. We've seen this before with the antidote to stonewalling in our post on Gottman's Four Horsemen. Similarly, avoiding minor disagreements that don’t impact the relationship’s core can help maintain peace when you're both feeling emotionally drained.

However, chronic avoidance can be damaging in the long run. When couples consistently sweep conflict under the rug, unresolved issues can fester and breed resentment. Over time, this can lead to emotional distance and a lack of trust. If important topics such as unmet needs or recurring frustrations are repeatedly avoided, the relationship may suffer from a lack of true intimacy and understanding. Healthy conflict resolution requires learning when to pause and when to engage, ensuring that avoidance is a temporary tool rather than a long-term habit.

Accommodating (Unassertive and Cooperative)

The accommodating conflict style is marked by a willingness to put the other person’s needs above one’s own. In relationships, this often sounds like, "Whatever you want is fine," or "I don’t want to argue, so let’s just do it your way." One partner prioritizes maintaining harmony over asserting their own desires, often at the expense of their personal needs or opinions.

There are times when accommodating can be beneficial, especially in situations where the issue at hand is minor, or when one partner recognizes that the other has a stronger preference or deeper emotional investment in the outcome. For example, if one person is having a particularly tough day, their partner might choose to let small disagreements slide to offer emotional support.

However, habitual self-sacrifice can be harmful if one partner consistently suppresses their needs to avoid conflict. Over time, this can lead to a loss of personal identity within the relationship and the accommodating partner feeling undervalued and emotionally drained. To prevent this, it’s essential to strike a balance and choose when to yield for harmony and when to stand up for your needs.

Compromising (Moderate Assertiveness and Cooperation)

The compromising conflict style is about finding middle ground where both partners give up something in order to reach an agreement. In relationships, this might look like "Let’s meet halfway," "How about we alternate?" or "If you do this for me, I’ll do that for you." Compromise often involves negotiation, where both individuals make concessions to maintain fairness and balance.

Compromising can be very effective in situations where both partners have valid but conflicting needs, and a mutually satisfying solution is needed. It works well when deciding on shared responsibilities, or making lifestyle choices like how to split time between families during the holidays. In these cases, compromise ensures that neither person feels entirely unheard or overruled.

However, compromise isn't always the best solution. When partners are always meeting in the middle neither may feel fully satisfied, leading to a sense of ongoing sacrifice. While compromise is useful, relying on it too often can lead to a relationship that feels transactional rather than deeply connected.

Collaborating (Assertive and Cooperative)

The collaborating conflict style involves resolving disagreements in a way that satisfies both partners. Rather than one person winning or both settling for a middle ground, collaboration focuses on working together to find creative solutions that meet both partners’ needs. It’s not about compromising values or simply agreeing to disagree. It’s about digging deeper to understand each other’s perspectives and coming up with solutions that strengthen the relationship.

This might sound like "Wait, tell me more about why that's important to you" or "There's gotta be a way we can both be happy. Let's think outside the box."

Moving toward a more collaborative approach requires a shift in mindset. Instead of viewing conflicts as battles to be won, couples should see them as opportunities to strengthen understanding and deepen emotional intimacy. This involves active listening, open communication, and a willingness to explore solutions beyond the obvious. By approaching disagreements with collaborative curiosity rather than defensiveness, couples can foster a dynamic where both partners feel heard, valued, and supported.

Identifying Your Conflict Style as a Couple

Every couple has a unique conflict dynamic based on their individual styles, and understanding these patterns can improve communication. Some common pairings include:

• The Avoider & The Competitor. One partner withdraws while the other pushes to "win" leading to unresolved tension.
  
• The Accommodator & The Competitor. One consistently gives in, which creates resentment over time.
  
• Two Compromisers. While fair, this pairing may lead to constant trade-offs without deeper resolution or discussion and the relationship may start to feel like a chore.

Reflect on past conflicts to determine your default style. Do you shut down, push for control, or seek quick compromises? A helpful exercise for couples is to list a few recent disagreements and identify the style each person used. Then discuss how these patterns impact the relationship.

Takeaways for Couples

• Self-awareness is key. Understanding your own default conflict style and your partner's can help prevent communication breakdowns.
  
• To much avoiding and competing can create long term problems. Avoidance can feel like a short-term solution, but when difficult conversations are continually sidestepped, resentment and emotional distance will build up. Similarly, a constant competitive approach will turn discussions into power struggles and weaken intimacy and trust.
  
• Collaboration is good for important issues. When it comes to important issues like finances, children, and career changes, both partners need to feel heard and engaged. Collaborating ensures that both individuals feel respected, and fosters long-term stability.
  
• Compromise is useful for day-to-day decisions. Decisions about household chores and social plans require flexibility and fairness. Small preferences like what to watch or where to eat can be negotiated with mutual consideration.

Understanding your default conflict styles is a positive step toward healthier communication, but real change happens through practice and reflection. This is where Talkwell, an AI-powered communication tracker and coach for couples and families, can help. By analyzing real conversations you have with your partner, Talkwell provides objective, insights into your communication patterns to help you move towards a healthier dynamic.